It’s already mid-December, Powder7 friends, and Christmas is barreling down on us. Hard to believe I only have two weeks left to finish writing my Christmas cards, wherein I explain to my friends and family exactly how they’ve each disappointed me in the past year and, thus, will not be getting any presents. It’s a beautiful tradition.
Here’s one example, just to give you a feel for my system: Powder7’s own Jordan and Amy were up at Beaver Creek last week for Wednesday’s powder day–and, in doing so, made a powerful new enemy. Skiing calf-deep snow in early December without me is all it takes sometimes to earn a scathing anti-Christmas card. I’m quite fickle. Anyway, here’s some footage of them having a grand time on the mountain (fun exercise: try to identify the exact second they became dead to me):
Speaking of people skiing on film, I’ve been watching an almost incomprehensible number of ski movies lately. Or, at least, I’ve been trying to. It’s hard to concentrate on the TV when you live above a bowling alley and below another, louder bowling alley. I have the worst real estate agent.
Now, I don’t like to talk about myself, but I freely admit that I’m a bit of a cinephile. Wait, “cinephiles” are people who dress up like Sherlock Holmes and act out famous Victorian murder mysteries, right? I only ask because the cinephile blog I write has been getting some very negative feedback. Anyway, my point is this: I’m the kind of person whose opinions should be taken seriously.
So, what follows is an indisputable list of the five greatest ski movies of all time, presented here, for future historians to reference:
(5) “Deep and Light” (1949) — Why? Because it’s the first Warren Miller film and invented the ski movie genre. Oh, and it came out in 1949. That means there’s leather boots, wooden skis, and a curious amount of taunting of Germans. Probably. I don’t really remember. Even the title card is a classic: “Warren Miller, Author of ‘Are My Skis on Straight? Nice Try George’ Presents Skiing ‘Deep and Light,’ a 1 and 1/2 Hour Personally Narrated Color Motion Picture Featuring the French Technique, the Blind Skier, Chin-Deep Powder, Thrilling Jumps, Comedy.” It’s like something from a 19th century snake oil brochure.
(4) “The Spy Who Loved Me” (1977) — Is it a ski movie? No. Does it feature James Bond skiing away from machine gun-carrying anonymous evil-doers, launching off an enormous cliff, and floating to safety beneath a Union Jack-themed parachute? You bet it does. Five stars.
(3) “Swift, Silent, Deep” (2008) — A documentary about a rebellious bunch of pioneering powder hounds who call themselves the Jackson Hole Air Force, it achieves the rare feat of being both interesting and exhilarating. By pure coincidence, “Swift, Silent, Deep” is also the title of my Powder7 fan fiction anthology series–which you can buy at a bookstore near you, if I happen to be there and have any extra copies in my van.
(2) “The Blizzard of AAAhs” (1988) — First of all, that’s a terrific pun. Look for it to top my list of all-time greatest puns in next week’s even more unbearable blog post. Second, this movie from Greg Stump Productions featured a be-mohawked Glen Plake showing suburban teens everywhere what “extreme skiing” looked like. It looked like this:
(1) “The Adventures of SkiBo” (date unknown) — What’s that? You haven’t heard of this? Of course you haven’t. That’s how you know it’s good. The story is simple: two mysterious, unlikeable characters attempt to climb the backside of Vermont’s Mt. Mansfield and ski down the famed Teardrop trail. This has it all: shaky POV camera work, mumbled dialogue, and slow-motion crashes set to songs used illegally without attribution. Sadly, this masterpiece was removed from the internet after one of its stars went to business school and decided he didn’t want this Youtube video to be the top Google result for his name. But at what cost to our culture? Incalculable.
That’s all I have for you this week, Powder7 fans. Sorry it got weird. I just get a little too excited this time of year. The mountains of Colorado are rapidly approaching mid-winter form, Powder7 Headquarters is buzzing with activity, and, in a couple of weeks, people are obligated to give me presents. What am I asking for this year? Same as always: a perfect clone of myself. Why? Oh, don’t worry about that. You’ll see why. Everyone will see why. Just wait.
Justin
