Forget the gym membership. Toss out that journal you swore you’d write in daily. This year, it’s time to make resolutions that truly count. The kind that will transform you from a casual slope-goer into a certified ski legend (at least in your own mind).
We’ve all seen those boring resolution lists: “ski more days,” “improve my technique,” “try a new mountain.” Yawn. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the commitment to truly questionable decisions that will make you the most memorable person on the mountain (for better or worse)?
That’s where this list comes in. These are the resolutions that separate the weekend warriors from the people who make lift operators shake their heads in bewildered amusement. These are the goals that will have your ski buddies asking, “Wait, are you serious?” And the answer, of course, is absolutely.
So wax up those skis, adjust those bindings, and prepare to commit to some resolutions that are definitely, totally, completely reasonable. Your best ski season yet starts now.
Shave with your ski edges
Ski edges are sharp enough to slice open a finger, and as such, sharp enough to give you the cleanest shave around. This resolution is less about skiing, and more about saving money. Why spend money on silly razors, when you’ve got razors in your garage?
Not to mention, it winds up giving you a litmus test for whether or not you need a tune. Smooth shave? Get ready to rip. Left with stubbles and and ingrown hairs? Best get an edge sharpen.
Drink 1300 ounces of hot chocolate
Just like the tendies, hot chocolate is equally as strong of a vessel for your calories. Electrolytes who? No need to stock up on costly and wasteful single use electrolyte packets. Just bring your reusable mug to the hot chocolate machine rather than coffee.
While protein and fat may jive you the sustenance and long term nutitrion you need to keep going, sugar is a quick carb that will give you the energy to slam those bumps harder than you ever have.
Make an enemy on the chairlift
No friends on a powder day is objectively true. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. One step better? Enemies on a powder day! Really, any day will do. Enemies are important complements to your ski crew. They give you inspiration to ski harder and faster, and might even chase you around the mountain, which will really boost those PR numbers.
Need some inspiration? Consider telling them you saw them skiing earlier, and are unimpressed. You could even offer some sarcastic advice.
Eat 500 chicken tenders this season
It’s no secret. Nutrition is key to success when it comes to performance on the hill. Proper fueling means more power and more endurance for hard skiing for extended periods of time. You don’t want to be the person who starts to lag behind simply because you haven’t had enough calories.
Enter: chicken tenders. Loaded with fat, carbs, and most importantly, protein; chicken tenders are a fast track to better skiing. You’ll recover faster, gain better muscle, and support your local food and beverage staff.
Now, 500 may seem like an intimidating number, but once you break it down, it’s not that bad. If you ski 35 days this season, that breaks down to a little over 14 tendies per day. Of course, pump up those ski day numbers, and you won’t be so slammed to get them in during a lunch break. That said, once you start your tendie journey, you’ll understand why we love it so much.
Achieve a goggle tan so distinct facial recognition can’t recognize you
Sunscreen? No thank you. There’s nothing cooler than showing folks just how much you ski with your sun damaged skin. You know it’s hit the mark when you try to open your phone when Face ID and it doesn’t know who you are.
In a perfect world, you get a goggle tan so strong it carries you well into summer. That way, on bike rides and out and about, you can tell the world that you are a skier. A real skier. Not a fake one that doesn’t get enough time outside in ski googgles to make it happen.
Make a concerted and obnoxious attempt get the actual last chair
Anyone who knows this skier behind the computer understands I love last chair. I believe it is far superior to first chair. You get to sleep in, avoid morning traffic, and eat some actual food rather than coffee and a slice of toast. Last chair doesn’t get the craze of first chair, but it certainly gets the best of both worlds, and as such, deserves the hype.
So, instead of waking up at the crack of dawn, snooze the alarm a little. Get to the slopes when you want to. And then, once you hit 3:54pm or so, loiter around the bottom of the chair. You don’t want to get second to last chair, you want the last chair. Wait around until 3:59pm. You should hear the lifties call one minute. Wait thirty seconds. Start to inch closer to the load area. Once you see the lifites ready the cone to indicate last chair, dart in to load the chair. You may think this will make the resort employees annoyed with you, but instead it’ll make them respect you.
Increase your luck by tapping your poles 500 times before you drop in
Fact: Pole taps increase your ability to land whatever cool trick you want. What conjures this magic? The taps project coolness and alert other skiers to your incoming radness. So, instead of just tapping your poles a couple of times, spend the extra few minutes to tap your poles a few extra times. And to really increase the magic, have a goal of 500 times.
Why the dramatic increase? Tapping your poles for about eight minutes helps you get into the zone before dropping in. It also appeals to Ullr and other freeskiing legends to help you land your trick with style. And, of course, you’ll get even more attention and eyes on you for minutes at a time to really make you feel good before dropping in.
Swap your Strava resort activity recording to ski touring for increased metrics
Listen, we all know that resort skiing is just glorified downhill walking. But your Strava doesn’t need to know that. By simply switching your activity type from “resort skiing” to “ski touring,” you’ll instantly transform your mundane groomer laps into a heroic backcountry expedition worthy of a Patagonia catalog shoot.
The numbers don’t lie—ski touring activities get way more kudos than resort skiing. Plus, when people ask about your weekend, you can casually mention you “did some touring” without technically lying. Sure, the only thing you toured was the cafeteria line and the bathroom, but that’s just semantics.
Bonus: Your fitness metrics will skyrocket. That 1,200 vertical feet you rode the lift for? Now it looks like you earned it with your quads and cardiovascular endurance. Your friends will be so impressed by your suffering that they won’t even question why your route map shows perfectly groomed switchbacks.
Increase the amount of animal print you wear by a factor of 10
Ski fashion peaked somewhere between leopard print onesies and zebra-striped bibs, and it’s time we brought that energy back. This season, commit to looking like you raided a safari-themed Spirit Halloween store before hitting the slopes.
Start small if you must—leopard print neck gaiter, tiger-striped gloves. But the real goal? Head-to-toe coordination that makes you look like you’re either filming a nature documentary or escaped from one. Cheetah print jacket? Obviously. Snake-skin patterned pants? Essential. Giraffe-spot helmet cover? Now you’re thinking.
The best part is that animal print serves a practical purpose: you’ll be impossible to lose in a crowd. Your friends will never have to scan the lift line wondering where you are. They’ll spot your zebra-print getup from the parking lot. Plus, predators respect other predators, and nothing says “apex mountain predator” like dressing as an entire zoo.
